son with asperger

[bubble]

Hello everyone,
I have just found this sight. I am a mum with three sons, the eldest is 22 and has asperger. We never had a formal diagnosis but he has many many traits. he has been very depressed as he has got older. He prefers night and day reversal. He has got aggressive, my 21 year old marriage has ended partially over the pressure of my ex husband and myself just trying to parent him so differently from each other.
he now mainly lives with me as he is less criticized with me. But I worry and fear for his future.
He is a highly intelligent funny quite brilliant actor. He cant organise himself, get to places on time, needs encouragement to wash he over eats, we recently used and introduced him to the idea he has AS, he is so upset, in denial yet know it to be true.
I recently paid a fortune for him to go to film school to give him a happy year. he made friends and they in the main loved him. He can be and is very funny and sociable. But also he kind of acts the part if you know what I mean. He is often inconsiderate self centered and enjoys his movie world and escape. (yes his knowledge is photographic on the movie industry) he had one chance,,yes one for employment in the industry as a casting director understudy and he was late for the interview.
I despair, he is un motivated to get a job, yet feels too good to work in a menial occupation. he wont sign on and hates the idea of a disability in any capacity. There was a sheltered housing scheme he could have gone to live in where he would have had just a bit of support to find work, pay bills etc, which he refused. he hates to be associated with AS, says I want to put him in a zoo. Yet on the sly I note that he googles famous people with AS and has a small interest.
What do I do? do I leave this large hairy often smelly adult to his own devices. How do I support him? i can't change him, so If I nag I just make him sad. But do I leave him to do nothing? How do I motivate or get him help when he refuses all help. He is better now than he used to be, he joins us to eat and watches tv downstairs, he is better with him brothers (who are 20, and 17) Please tell me how to parent and help my lovely kind son find a future and leave home and become an adult.
thank you

[bubble]

Ok I give in, I'm an idiot. I received a email that I have a reply to this, I really want to read it, but I can't find it.
Help.
Bubble xx

[peggyann]

Hi Bubble, I don't want mine to leave home ever - I just want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and keep him safe from the world. Of course I don't do that, but I find it so hard when he's out on his own. I try not to worry, but I'm a "what iffer". Opposite to you, but just as hard. No easy answers - sorry.

[bubble]

I totally understand that, and I wrapped mine up for years. However, I am also a nursery teacher, and I have other sons who are part of the world. One at uni and one finishing school. The problem is I feel we have to give them roots and give them wings. i have a cousin who lives at home..in his 40's. That is unhealthy. I want my son to have an independent life. If I bubble wrap him what will happen when i die??? Or do I leave the responsibility on to one of my other children, which isn't fair.
I hate it when my son is out in town for example, i worry so much. he is vulnerable. he even handed all his money over one evening to some bugger for a single huge speaker!! Just one!! Not even a pair! And the guy left him without the money for a bus home!
Yet in other ways he is so sharp and witty and on the ball that I am left confused as to how he is so easily conned, The world is a horrid place and it terrifies me. i often just thank god he is at home, watching his dvd's safe from drugs and all the evil out there. Yet it also isn't right to sleep all day, watch t.v all night. Not work, not sign on, not study, and live off his mum. He is charming and fine when I don't cross him, yet angry and sharp often. That surely can't be right, isn't a life. By allowing him to behave in this way surely I am a co-dependent to the aspergers?